When I was young I suffered horrendous periods…with them being heavy and painful, and causing vomiting, dizziness, cold sweats, shaking, diarrhoea, panic and anxiety.
When I was 17 I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and have suffered with this right up to date, I now wonder whether this is all hormonely linked, in reality I’m positive it is.
I got married at 29, and became pregnant at 30….although still slightly anxious, oh my word, my mood was wonderful….happy go lucky, excited to be alive. Even when I started encountering some problems in my pregnancy at the end due to pre-eclampsia and polyhydramnious (too much water), I did not panic when pre-pregnancy I would have gone into a total meltdown.
A few days following my little girls birth, I changed dramatically into an anxious mess! Irrational, screechy, panicky…..this was more than baby blues, I was bordering on psychotic. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband.
I became pregnant again 9 months later, and again, all was rosy until after the birth…..this time the drop felt more dramatic, and I pretty much left the ‘baby duties’ to my husband…….how can a mother be like this?
I adore my husband, and my 2 pre-schoolers like you couldn’t imagine, and yet I am volatile, aggressive, nasty, scary……my children have times where they jump and flinch when I yell…..they think im going to hurt them, and im not sure myself if im honest!!
My 4yr old yells and screams at her sister in a ‘mum way’……she is copying me!!!! I want to run away, (or worse) to save her from my parenting…….and yet I love her sooo much……but this is what she will remember! My children will not and should not understand why mum is like this, they will just see and feel anger and resentment.
I feel like they would honestly be better off without me (when im like this), and when I have a very occasional good day I feel on top of the world, and wonder how I could ever be so mean and nasty to my beautiful babies, and wonderful husband.
The treatment I have tried so far…..
Citalopram, Seroxat, The pill, The mini pill, B vits, Evening Primrose, Agnus Castus……and currently I am on Prostap injections to induce a chemical menopause, and Fluoxetine (long term, however recently increased).
The prostap seemed like a miracle until I recently hit 1 year of treatment. I had no menopausal symptoms, and life was really good….not perfect but really good. I felt optimistic and internally happy…..I had aspirations and life goals. I enrolled for university as a mature student to study psychotherapy to help people like me! I had a spring in my step…..life had possibilities!
Then at 1yr I felt anxious and panicky, but more importantly to me the ‘red incontrollable rage’ was back with a vengeance…..i felt out of control, and pestered my Gynae consultants secretary to put me in for an urgent appointment, I got one for a months time.
My consultant told me that he wasn’t surprised as what had probably happened was that I had reached a full chemical menopause now, and my oestrogen levels were low. He has now put me on Tibolone, I am 3 weeks in and feel awful……….where do I go from here?? Is it too soon to feel well on it?
I’m angry, muted, reserved, aggressive, impatient, and closed off from the world. I feel depressed, fatigued to the point of illness, and so very very sad. Im terrified of hormonal treatment causing some irreversible problems.
Im pretty much decided on resigning from my NHS position of 19 years, as im just a big mess who is off sick more than im in, and not very well understood. Im just the woman with the mental health issues…..but I don’t believe I am! I have a hormone problem, and just need some help with it.
I cannot live like this, and refuse to keep letting my children ‘endure’ me……I WANT A LIFE!